Joker-in-Chief

What Being a Conservative Means

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed.

"Wow, that's a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50 that you earned to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Learn From History or Repeat It

Professor Is a Genius

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had once failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan. All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A."

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the third test came, the average was an F. The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed. It could not be any simpler than that.

Ronald Reagan: Politics with a Smile

"The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

"Government is like a baby - an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

"I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress."

"One way to make sure crime doesn't pay would be to let the government run it."

"The problem is not that people are taxed too little; the problem is that government spends too much."

"We should measure welfare's success by how many people leave welfare, not by how many are added."

"The taxpayer is someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

"Today, if you invent a better mousetrap, the government comes along with a better mouse."

Words of Wisdom

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

    Rev. Dr. Adrian Rogers (1931-2005)

Old Joke, New Faces

It is Democratic primaries 2012 and Hillary runs against Obama. To gain support of Independents in open primaries, Hillary's campaign offers Rush Limbaugh $100,000 to tell on his show that she is an honest, right-to-center politician. Surprisingly, he accepts the offer.

So it's show time and Rush takes the mike: "Hillary Clinton is a vicious liberal snake. She is an expert in lying, backstabbing, press manipulation, bribery and double deals, has multiple ties to foreign lobbies and is known to accept illegal contributions. But compared to Barack Obama she is an honest, right-to-center politician!"